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[08 Jul 2005|06:00am] |
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im so yupset. i have so much ti say when am i going to be okay to say it
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[12 Apr 2005|01:34am] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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fiona apple |
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Friends only.
i don't know who i can trust.
thought there was us, now there is no one.
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| failure always sounded better... |
[09 Mar 2005|04:41pm] |
yesterday i confronted a friend in another lie but i dont think i got anywhere. so im over it. i didnt get any sleep last night. i slept over chris's house. im taking renee's sister to school this week until her mother gets back from being away. so, i did that and played chris and aaron in mortal kombat all night. i had to let my mom borrow my car so i went to her house by 9. mackenzie, one of our dogs is having puppies. she crawled on the couch with me this morning and i woke up from my nap to her giving birth so i called my mother freaking out and thank goodness, she came back. i came here to do laundry, take a bath and relax. its pouring outside and theres a thousand accidents. it took me an hour to get here from my mom's and i made the mistake of listening to bright eyes the whole way here so, im extra emotional. im trying to watch my weight but im an asshole because im sitting here eating cold pizza and watching 'shes all that.' im sick of watching everyone move on to better things and everyone meeting these amazing people and these great lives. i dont understand why im still the same and things havent gotten better, only worse, and only part of the time. im happy that theyre happy but did they have to leave me, or abandon me for other people or friends or whatever to be that way?
well im glad you got away
but i'm still stuck out here
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| i was getting bored with hurting myself, so dream a good one tonight. |
[08 Mar 2005|08:54pm] |
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mood |
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 indifferent |
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music |
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alkaline trio |
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i havent been home in a really long time. ive been helping my mom with a lot of things and helping courtney move into her new living arrangement. i still dont have a job. ive been trying so hard but it seems hopeless right about now. im still sick and my antibiotics arent making it better. i think i give up. i always say im going to stop trusting and forgiving the people that i shouldnt, but its such a hard habit to break. i dyed my hair, i dont know if i mentioned that. i hate it. i dyed it because since i dont have a job, i dont have the money to keep bleaching my hair and since my grandparents hate it blonde, to keep them happy and to end having half red/half blonde hair/orange whateverrrr, i dyed it red. it was supposed to be a bright vibrant red, and its not. its not like i can change it now. ill fix it whenever i get a paycheck again. should i cut it? someone tell me. i need a change. im miserable again and i just want to get my mind off everything and get my life straight. i dont know where to start. i dont know, i sound so repetitive.
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| choking on the thought of leaving. drinking to keep from sobbing.. |
[05 Mar 2005|05:01pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
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music |
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ally and her video game |
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i won't go back to the way i was.
i didnt go to miami. because, well... what the fuck is the point? im not going to have my friends mad at me for coming home crying again. last night was so awkward. i guess alot of people hate me more than i ever knew. someone keyed my care too, so thats awesome. my step father is taking everything away from me and has the nerve to smile at me and ask for a hug. i say alot of things i dont mean and i hate that. i dont know how to get myself out of that habit. i wish people would stop being nice to my face if they cant stand me. thats worse than someone calling me a bitch, i think. i feel sick and the day is going by so slow. everyone seems happier after they get rid of me. ive noticed that. my little cousin is so beautiful. she makes me so sad when she looks at me and asks whats wrong. shes so going to be prom queen in like ten years.
ATTENTION KIDS WHO USED TO CALL THEMSELVES FRIENDS AND NOW LIVE IN ELJAYYY DRAMAAAAAA: stop talking shit about what you think you know about me, because you have no fucking right.
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[03 Mar 2005|02:59am] |
today was such an emotional roller coaster. i hate how i react without thinking. if i keep smoking as much as i do, i doubt im going to get any better. i keep coughing and im scared its never going to go away. i used to always be tired, but now i can never sleep. i dont want to take my medicine so i stay up and watch movies by myself, or clean. ive been trying to clean my room for three days and its getting better, i can start to see the floor again. for the past two days ive been applying everywhere for a job. seriously, everywhere. i never have any money and theres always hardly any gas in my car. i need my job back. id love to dye my hair but i dont know what color. i want blonde, blonde. but its too hard to keep it up, so im thinking of going back red. my roots are awful right now and i need a change. i tried re-piercing my nose, and thats not happening. so, im either piercing my lips or getting my monroe, whats up. im out all day, everyday and i usually dont get home until the morning hours. i want a break from doing the same things everyday and maybe just be alone and think about what it is im doing. im always running around and id like to take it easy and relax. i would like to get a job, get things done, stop crying over boys, read more, talk less, chill out on the party scene and get to know myself again. my head is full of all these thoughts and i dont know what to do with them. im in a depression again and come to think of it, i dont think i ever left it. i called my mother today but she didnt have time to talk. the same things keep happening to me and i try to tell myself thats its them and not me, but im realizing that it has to be me if its continuing to happen.
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[26 Feb 2005|08:17pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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kind of like spitting |
] |
(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) saw a shooting star
( ) been to any other countries besides the united states
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger ( i didnt know his last name, i dont know what youd call that )
(x) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
(x) done drugs
(x) had alcohol
(x) laughed and had milk/coke/something come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
( ) made out in an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) kicked a guy where it hurts
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
(x) been high
(x) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
( ) flashed someone
(x) saw a therapist
( ) done the splits (what the hell does that mean?)
( ) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
(x) had an IV
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
( ) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped (( twice from the same person, yeeeee)
(x) shoplifted
(xxxxxxx) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
(x) stole something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
(x) saw someone die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day/night
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
( ) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
( ) Met someone in person from the internet
(x) Been moshing at a rock show hhahahahaha
(x) Cut yourself on purpose
( ) Been to a moto cross show
( ) lost a child
( ) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
(x) tried killing yourself
(x) taken painkillers<3
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) done a pointless survey
( ) been legally dead
( ) eaten something that wasn't supposed to be raw
(x) slept with someone, no sex
(x) camped in a car
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| it left me choking like a candle in the cold hard rain. |
[24 Jan 2005|12:30pm] |
if you really care about me, youll never bring up janury 22nd to me again.
thanks.
oh yeah, and i missed against me.
but missys fine now, so thats all that matters.
thanks for telling me off 3 times for no reason, asshole.
sorry i happened to walk by you.
thanks for ruining my night.
thanks for making out with that girl and letting me hear about it from my friends. that explains alot at least.
thanks for being such awesome boys and making me LOOOOOVVVVE LIFE SO MUCH MORE.
yeah right.
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| if florida takes us, were taking everyone down with us. |
[22 Jan 2005|11:40am] |
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mood |
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sick |
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music |
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against me |
] |
i cant count how many times i threw up last night. my muscles ache. but pretty much nothing could stop me from seeing my most favoritest band evah tonight. oh yeah, against me. seriously everyone i know is going to be there. whats up. in other news, jeannie and pedro are back together. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWW.
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[21 Jan 2005|07:27pm] |
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i got my license!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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[21 Jan 2005|05:14pm] |
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gaiants me agsinat me against me against me againat me againste me againste me againste me against me agasinte me aagainset me against me againste me against me againste me againnst me
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[20 Jan 2005|01:31pm] |
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i fucking hate liars. dont even talk, because you dont know. its not what you think im talking about either. that doesnt even bother me. dont be nice to me, and then act like you fucking hate me to other people. i hate liars. i dont even fucking know you anymore.
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[19 Jan 2005|03:19am] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
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music |
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against me! |
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look how sweet amanda is,
We went to Mario's work after we went to petland with Kayla. ![]()
It's always sad to see her go.
I wish she lived down here.
I wish we lived in a little house in greenwood with a huge front porch.
Niq, Elliott, Kayla, Kara and me.
That'd be so sweet.
We'd have to have like 3 xbox's.
One in two bedrooms, and one in the living room.
We'd play halo2 and bloodrayne 2 and drink and smoke all day.
i love her. that sounds so awesome.
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| and how good it felt to kill the memory of nights spent holding your shirt for the smell. |
[19 Jan 2005|02:50am] |
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this weekend was horrible. i made a lot of stupid decisions. it was awful. i stayed with korona alot. her mother was out of town. i loooove her. i came home and i wish i hadnt of. i have no money. i need a job so fucking bad. i stayed up all night tonight trying to learn how to use the sewing machine so i could fix my pants, but im an idiot and still cant work it. jeff came over and brought me the new against me cd because he loves me. i ate pizza and have been sitting here being emo. im always depressed, i swear to god. against me! is in six minutes, 15 hours, and 3 days. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and last night i had a dream about
( JAREDDD LETTTO )
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[16 Jan 2005|07:23pm] |
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mood |
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 irate |
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i should have just stayed at home, or in town at least. last night was horrible. i feel like shit and everything was such a bad idea. id really like to change the way i think and how i feel. but i guess no one can. i feel like everyone's laughing at me.
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| so sick, so sick of being tired and oh so tired of being sick. |
[14 Jan 2005|05:43pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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music |
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fiona apple |
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my aunt thinks i have bronchitis.
my mammaw thinks i have strep throat.
missy just thinks it is the flu.
and i really dont care because either way, no nmatter how i feel, this weekend im getting out of my sickly dark bedroom and out of this house and hopefully parttttying.
i want my car back more than anything and im getting close.
!!!
Auto response from BedlamChaos (5:38:06 PM): I LOVE YOU KAYLA
i misssssssssssssssssss korona.
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[12 Jan 2005|02:06pm] |
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im really sick again. i keep getting worse but theres nothing more that i want than to get out of the house and do something. i cant stop coughing, or throwing up for that matter. i dont have a car anymore and my mother hates me.someone mysteriously left a go-cart in my yard. yeah, thats weird. i miss my black jackets. i want to parttttty. i dont know why im so sad, but i need a job to keep me occupied. since i quit, i havent done really anything. i stayed at chaise's house for a week or so. i was having problems so he told me to come stay. he wants me to move in. that sounds like a good idea but i know it wont happen. my room is a mess and i should clean but i dont have the energy. i joined big brothers/big sisters monday. it was all because i saw these three girls playing with dinosaurs and i wanted to play but i wasnt allowed to unless i joined the program. so, i did. i get paired up with a child next weekend. im probably just going to sit around all day and smoke pot later, which will be horrible for my throat, but whatever and nap or something. what else.
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kaylaxlerae's journal
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